Jackpot

You always hear that question, “if you were to win the lottery, would you quit your job?”.  The answer to that for me would be “no”.  Here’s why.  Though this is a delicate issue among family and friends, it’s one that I feel strongly about.  I grew up in a large family.  My father was a hard working small town doctor.  My mother was a busy stay-at-home mom with twelve children.  Life was great and I grew up like most kids did going to high school and then to college.  I worked my way through college, because I had to and wanted to, yet I loved it at the same time.  I worked my way through raising five kids, because I had to and wanted to, and I loved it as the same time.  I never understood the concept of a “working mom” growing up.  I never understood how it was going to shape me and make me a better person and a better example for my daughters.  Though my mother worked very hard to ensure we were raised to be great kids, she was never able to show me how to be a poised, confident, woman in the work force.  I remember craving to hear the stories of my mother going to college and going to work.  I remember her telling me that after she graduated college she taught elementary school, but only for a few weeks because she got pregnant and “gave it all up, for us”.  Gave it all up?  I remember feeling a bit sad for my Mom.  She always spun it in a way that this sacrifice of not going to work was to benefit us, yet somewhat disappointing to her.  Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t disappointed to have all of us, but there was always the halo of what she “could’ve been” if we hadn’t come along….a teacher, a dancer.  I was always left on the edge of my seat wanting to learn more about my mother’s dreams that weren’t always about us.  That never happened.  She slowly stopped talking about teaching and she slowly stopped talking about her chance to be a professional ballerina.  This notion stuck with me.  I know the importance of having parents there for their children as they grow up.  Scott and I did everything possible to always be present for our kids, one of us was always at the school play or the soccer game.  Though I still have young children after 14 years of child rearing, and though it’s been tough at times, we’ve done an awesome job in the way of “tag-teaming it” so we don’t miss anything.   I love my family and I love my job.  I don’t condemn women who decide to stay home.  They have their own very strong reasons as to why it’s important.  I do celebrate the women who decide to work, provide for their families and show their daughters what’s possible.  Possible…I never knew what was possible for me.  I had to figure it out on my own.  Because of that, I am very sure that choosing to work is the right choice for me.  I hope that I’m showing my daughters that they have a choice too.  I have been blessed to be able to work from home full time.  This opportunity allows me to be flexible, to be there for them when they scrape a knee, to volunteer at school and to put dinner on the table at a decent time while still using that working Mom muscle I’ve nurtured and developed over the years.  I have less worry that I won’t be able to provide if my husband is suddenly struck by lightning or becomes unable to work.  For me, I never wanted to be dependent on anyone and have to worry that I would be left vulnerable. 

I have friends in both camps.  Most of them are completely satisfied with whatever path they chose for themselves and their children.  I have some friends who chose the path of not working yet saw the rug pulled out from under their feet.  Because they had been out of the workforce for so long, they struggled to find work only to find minimum waged jobs as their kids now sit in school after care.  I also have friends that choose not to work and they also put their kids in school after care so they have more time for themselves to go shopping or get their nails done.  Being a stay-at-home Mom doesn’t make you a better Mom if you’re not fully connected with your kids!!!  Trust me, kids understand both sides.  They understand that Mom has to work to provide for the family.  Kids also understand when their Mom doesn’t want to be bothered.  This notion of being fully connected to your kids is very obvious to me.  I can spot the ones a mile away who are lavished with “things” and activities to keep them busy, to keep them at arms-length, then brought out at gatherings as if they’re trophies.  They end up acting out to get the loving attention from their parents they so eagerly crave and need.  I look at both sides and see those kids whose parents both work so hard to provide and yet they roll their sleeves up and do their part too.  These kids contribute to the family by helping around the house, watching over their siblings and being kind to each other, knowing this supports the bigger need of the family.  There is also the working Mom who does put work ahead of their children and those kids end up suffering as well. 

Whatever the choice is for people, there are a million reasons why their way is the better way.  It can be messy and difficult for others to understand why people chose what they chose.  For me, it only becomes more apparent as I see my oldest daughter grow up.  She is a product of a working Mom.  She is a straight A student, starting high school next year and will be in all honors courses.  She has clear goals for her life.  She is confident and poised and ready to take on the world.  I look at her and think she is way better at age 14 than I ever was at 14.  Though I worried about her as she grew and how my job would interfere with her life, it’s now apparent that it was the best gift.  I am in awe of her and what she will grow up to be.  Whether a working woman, working mom or a stay-at-home mom, she is now equipped to make an educated choice for herself and know that she had the best upbringing, the best example.  Now, I have that chance again with my little Ava and I plan to raise her the same way, even though she came to us differently.  People might not agree and they might try to explain why their way is the better way.  The fact is, we all know the best path for our families.  Our goals are the same.  We need to support and embrace each other.  For those of us working, I truly believe that we are paving the way for our daughters and their future.  The work we are doing, the sacrifices we’re making and the walls in the workplace that we’re tearing down will make the opportunities for our girls easier to obtain.  We should never wait around for that jackpot knowing there’s so much more to gain through this journey as a working mom.  Thanks for listening J.

Ava's new beginning at OneTrueMedia.com

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Chances

I always think about chances...what if we didn't get the chance to live what we lived?  Who would've we become?  I think about this for Ava all the time.  What if we didn't come for her?  Where would've she ended up?  Chances are, she would've grown up in the orphanage or an institution because they believed she wasn't 'just right'.  Well, this little girl is more than 'just right'.  She changes everyone she meets.  People are moved by her and her enthusiasm for life.  She knows she has another chance...what if we felt that way everyday?  If we still had a chance to love, to live fully and to give someone else a chance...

So I put this together for her.  As long as I'm around, I'll continue to tell the story of this little girl and how her life unfold.

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=11c3d0c518f1564c73155c4&skin_id=1602&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

Reach for the Stars

Reach for the stars, Ava!

I was reading one my favorite blogs today and it finally struck me as to why I feel this nutty ‘writer’s block’. This blogger summed it up so eloquently and I’m not sure I could ever compare. She started with this quote:


“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Like this blogger, I truly feel like I am the same person I was at six years old. When you come from a family as big as mine you spend a lot of time thinking about who you are. You compare yourself to each other, because that’s what siblings do when they’re young, but you always sit back and say “whew, I’m glad that’s not me”. For me, I was the firey Redhead. My mother always reminded me that I had fierce passion for everything and that the world was “my oyster”. I’m still not sure what that oyster comment was all about but I guess it was a good thing. She always said that I “could do whatever I put my mind to” and I did that with the two story tree house I built when I was ten. What I also realized along the way that I have an amazing story to tell and would never want anyone else’s. Perhaps my mother instilled confidence in me because she truly believed in me. I try to do the same with my kids every day. I try to teach them not to give up and not to let others bring you down because they will certainly try…and try they do, every day. Many times throughout my life others tried to tell me I wasn’t good enough or jealous or I would never get there. Not only did I “get there”, I have a life way better than I ever envisioned. I have an amazing husband who loves me and five wonderful children who are blossoming into incredible souls. I also have had so many wonderful opportunities in my career, working for one of the best companies in the world. I’ve worked with countless celebrities and incredible talented and successful people. I live in a warm and loving home, set in a beautiful place. I also read that gratitude is the key to happiness and I thank God every day for what I have and pray that we all continue this way. Like this other blogger, I feel and experience things so deeply. I don’t just walk down the street looking straight ahead, I’m looking at the trees, the birds, and the sky and saying to myself, “damn, that’s beautiful”…okay, maybe I’m a bit ADHD, but it works. That’s one thing my ex fiancé taught me…to look at things differently…to really look at things. How many people actually do? We take so much in this life for granted and it’s truly a shame. Too many people are worried about “stuff” and not the meaningful relationships with others, some in their own family. Though I love this place where we live and the wonderful nest we’ve built, I’m saddened by, what I call “silliness”, I see on a daily basis. It baffles me, really. I’ve lived in New York City. I’ve travelled the world. I’ve worked with A-listers in L.A., where you would expect to see "silliness" yet there's more of it in rural America? I pull my little baby birds in closer and do my best to keep them flying straight (but looking all around), teaching them what’s most important. So, if I come across as “passionate” or some people would say “intense” it’s because I intensely believe that what’s important is our relationships…our families…our children. Every human interaction is one of kindness. I love what this blogger said “Heaven is where our souls get what they need”. So much of this life here on earth my soul rejects and so much that it embraces. Maybe I get frustrated because I want so bad to embrace the good and the bad but my soul just rejects the “silly” stuff? Why is it that people only get perspective and appreciation when things get tough? Whatever it is, we have to be tough and protective of our souls because others will try to chip away at you, if you let them. Try teaching this to your children. I talk to them constantly, hopefully preparing them, and telling them to never give up and never give in. So many of life’s lessons are ahead for them.

For Ava, she is so incredibly strong. She knows without a doubt where she came from and why she was chosen for this journey. She has a sense of gratitude for her life that I have never seen in a child, let alone a four year old child. She tells me stories every day why she’s so much happier being here, being with her new family. Like me, she is so eager to try everything, to talk with everyone and embrace every experience. For her, she knows she has a second chance. Why can’t we all look at life this way? The lessons that this little girl is teaching us are astounding, to say the least. It would never have happened if I didn’t let this soul of mine soar and reach out to another little soul across the world. I cannot wait to hear her story someday too. So, why would I want someone else’s life? Sheeeesh! No thanks!!!! I’d do it all again, exactly the same!!!

...sorry if I sound like a broken record :)

Perspective

Lately I have found that it is really hard to keep writing this blog. I’m not sure why but I think I find myself talking more about myself and not about Ava’s journey. Besides, the whole point of keeping this blog was for her. I wanted her to know how she went from being an unloved orphan to a very loved princess. It’s not that I’m running out of things to say about Ava. Every day she amuses us, frustrates us, and reminds us why we went down this crooked path. It’s not an easy path but one that we were destined to do. She has been with us for over six months, which is really nothing when you put it in perspective, and she has done almost a complete 180. I love telling the stories of walking through Siauliai in those early days where Ava would not hold my hand, would run from my grasp, and when I did get a hold of her she would yank my hair out (really out and it hurt). She was a child that would spit on you, hit you, rock uncontrollably, and throw tantrums on the floor, to show her dislike for change. I’m sure she was pissed about changing and leaving everything she ever knew. I know she was pissed because she reminded me of this for the past five and a half months. By no means is she fully healed from her transition and still has a number of issues we’re working on, but all in all she’s becoming a quite normal little four year old American girl. She’s sassy as she can be but she has a big, huge heart in that little body that will be her most special quality. Many days, and she has voiced this to me too, she’ll say “Mommy, you don’t love me”. This is usually at dinner time when I insist that she eats all of her meal. I tell her “Ava, I love you and that’s why I’m so hard on you…one day you’ll understand”.


The word “perspective” has been keeping me up at night. The meaning of perspective is even confusing “the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship”. To me, it’s about the appreciation of what is at this moment in light of all the other factors in our lives. With Ava, I try to keep things in perspective that she’s only been here six short months but has years of bad habits she’s collected. With our daily juggle with five kids I try to tell myself that these days are numbered and all of the hurdles we have to get over are just simply hurdles. Thankfully, we haven’t had major hardships lately that really test our faith. Scott often questions me why we chose to live where we do and whether it’s worth it for our family. Without question, I think it would be more detrimental to pick-up and move somewhere else. We moved here to provide our kids the safety, security and freedom they need to have as children. We made major sacrifices to afford this life in hopes that our children experience an incredible childhood. So, “perspective” now is how the kids will feel once they’ve grown up. Without a doubt, it’s the best choice for us. I’m often reminded of stories or lyrics that were written by soulful people that remind me to stay centered. I’m not going to tell you this artist but I love the lyrics of this song…” A crooked chimney standing in the middle of a field, once surrounded by the walls of work, by laughter and by love. The sound of children playing and the sound of people saying I love you. A crooked tree stands naked near the center of the field barely rooted in the browns and greys of earth that once was green. A place long since forgotten in a world of yesterday, except by me.” Okay, so all that is left is a crooked chimney and a dying tree where it was once filled with the love and joy of a family…how many times have we’ve come across a scene like this in our lives? You’re driving through the countryside and see this old, weathered house and you envision the love of a family having lived there at one time. I think about this kind of stuff all the time. Where is the meaning? How do we keep this sort of thing in perspective with the life we are living now? It could be so much worse (yet that is another subject).

I'm really going to try and keep this going...if not for anything more than telling the story so Ava has perspective for later on.  She's in what we call "orphan training" and know that someday she'll be grateful for the fact that she didn't have to eat cabbage everyday, that she didn't have to dress in a parka to play outside in June and that she could kick her shoes off and run down the street like any other american kid (yes, she loves the fact that she can run barefoot...something we all take for granted).

Learning to read...kinda

Life is just swiftly moving along in our household. We’ve been busy with the typical sports, school, work and everyday life stuff. I’ve been slammed with work but thankfully I love what I do and love the customers that I work with. Ava has been making big strides in her eating habits, weight and behavior. I think things are finally starting to sink in that she’s part of our family and there’s no return trip to Lithuania. Don’t get me wrong, she still exhibits those typical tantrums that any four year old would do but less and less of the ones she had early on when she was just plain frustrated with our language and a new routine that she was expected to master. She will obviously need speech therapy as you would gather from this video where all you could probably understand is the word “castle”.

I have to say that I’m very thankful for my kids and that they are very healthy and happy.  This weekend they are off camping with Daddy.  Though I spent most of my Saturday at the Lacrosse fields watching Brent and Trevor's game (yes, they took a break from camping to come back and play).  Now, I'm working feverishly to get the house cleaned up before they officially arrive home tomorrow where they will dump their muddy, stinky, camping clothes and blankets into the laundry.  I often wonder why I spend so much time cleaning when it will be completely destroyed within hours.  I guess that's just what Mom's do...

Ava the Ballerina

Whoa…that was a long pause. Life just seemed to speed up and left me no time to blog. We’ve been enjoying gorgeous Florida weather this winter. It’s been warm and breezy, which makes it tough to stay indoors to do domestic stuff and work. Ava is chugging along. It dawned on me the other day that she speaks zero Lithuanian now and is fluent in English. I was a bit sad but then something cool happened. We went to watch Lydia play her basketball game. We were sitting in the bleachers when I heard a familiar language being spoken behind me. I turned around to a boy, his dad and his father. I asked where they were from and they just said “Eastern Europe”. I said “Where in Eastern Europe?” and they said “Lithuania”. I gasped and said “Labas!”. I proceeded to tell them about our adventure to Lithuania to adopt our daughter, Ava. I asked them to speak to her in Lithuanian and to my surprise, she understood everything they said. I was so excited. Here my daughter won her game and I couldn’t stop talking about the Lithuanians. In these parts, it’s very rare to meet people from my homeland.


Ava seems to be gaining weight (up to 27 pounds) and, more than anything, loves to be a princess. Here’s some video of Ava dancing to her “Princess movie”…

The Joy of Eating...with Ava

Since I haven't had a whole lot of deep things to share lately, I figured I would just keep posting videos and pictures of Ava.

Here's a typical meal at our house.  Notice no one else eating?  That's because they were all done a long time ago.  It take Ava up to an hour, sometime two, along with lots of coaching to finish a meal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjUQFBmCDKM&feature=share&list=UU0t4rlKpYeT2Svq7yOiy7UQ


In other news, we finally tossed the beloved Rapunzel wig.  Ava was so attached to it but SHE's the one that finally agreed it had to go.  Believe me, it was in and out of the garbage for a few days until finally, she walked away.  She woke up the next morning and checked the garbage again only to find that the Rapunzel wig was forever gone. 

Here's a tribute to that beloved wig...thanks for the love!!

Chatty Cathy

It’s been awhile since I’ve written.  Work and life have been quite busy.  I got home from Atlanta tonight and Ava was her usual talkative self.  I taped her because I wanted to see if anyone else understood what she was saying.  This is the kind of stuff that goes on all day at my house.  I’m not sure what she’s trying to say but it’s entertaining, none-the-less.

I have to say, she rarely speaks Lithuanian, which is kind of sad but for her sake, it's better if she that she feels like she's one of us, speaking the same way.  Can you tell that she's a bit bossy?

Choices get us to THIS

It’s been a few days since I’ve written anything. That usually means that life got in the way. It’s been pretty hectic lately with work, kids, stuff, etc. ALL GOOD. I don’t have anything really deep to say. It used to be that I would get those deep thoughts when I slept but now [that I don’t sleep so well] I get them when I walk and sing. I was listening to Darius Rucker the other day and heard this song…"This”


For every stoplight I didn't make
Every chance I did or I didn't take
All the nights I went too far
All the girls that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank God for all I missed
Cause it led me here to This
All the fights and the tears and the heartache
I thought I'd never get through
And the moment I almost gave up
All lead me here to you
I didn't understand it way back when
But sitting here right now it all makes perfect sense

How do you tell your kids that they will go through all of THIS? How? They will go through it and you have to prepare them the best you can but it will never be enough. They have to process all of these experiences on their own. As a parent, it’s our job to give them the ability to choose what they will accept and what they won’t…to give them the foundation and the tools to make the best decisions. Today, I tried to explain to my 11 year old about the voice inside that is his filter. It’s everything that he knows and believes that will help him make the right decisions. It’s why we go to church and learns how to pray because there really is no way to do THIS on your own. It’s all about choices. Think about that for a minute. All the choices that have lead us to where we are right now…every little decision. Think about one moment in your life and what would’ve happened if you chose something different and how your life would’ve taken a different route. I think about that kind of stuff all the time. Ava didn’t really have a choice in all that has happened with her life but she knows that it was our choice…we could’ve said no, so easily, like other families. I really hope that she understands how this crazy life works, based on choices, and not just coincidences. That’s all I got!!!

Hold On

Every day I try to get some kind of walk in. To me, it’s just therapeutic being out in the beautiful outdoors, especially in January with 70 degree mornings. I love all kinds of music and my husband claims I’m bit of a music junky. I love music because it really hits a chord (no pun intended) for whatever I’m going through at the moment. It also has to be music that I can easily sing when I’m walking, in case people hear me, I at least want to sound somewhat good (LOL). As many of you know I am especially prone to listening to Sister Hazel when I’m walking because not only is Ken a wonderful singer and person, his lyrics are pretty insightful. He also shares my alma mater, Buchholz High in Gainesville. So today I’m walking and decide to search for acoustic versions of Sister Hazel music that I may not have heard before. I found this one, which I have heard before, but like I said, just happen to hit a chord with me.

http://youtu.be/Wz5enst0Coc

Here’s the thing….Ava is going through such a huge undertaking right now. Can you imagine? Being four years old, moving to a foreign country where people speak a different language, with people you hardly know? You’re then expected to follow certain rules, eat certain foods, mind your manners, behave like the other children (who have been here at least 5 years) and suddenly just fit it? Kind of tough. So when I heard this song “Hold On” it felt like everything we’re going through right now…is what she is feeling as well. She is crying, hold on…I’m gonna make it but you gotta be patient and give me a chance to learn…I’m gonna make mistakes but I’m gonna keep trying…I’m saying hold on…I love you but I have to guide you and though it may seem hard right now, it’s what I have to do. It may seem hard to believe that we love you but everything we’re doing is for you, to help you realize that you are loved and valued in this family. So many times I have to say, “Ava, you have to let us help you!”…she is fiercely independent, as many orphans are. Getting them to trust you is a HUGE undertaking and that’s what this is all about. For so long, she only relied on herself because no one was ever there for her…now we’re here and she’s not willing to give in without a fight. I think she’s starting to realize she has to let go but it’s incredibly hard. For people that have never met Ava they always say “… in her pictures, she seems like such a sweet little girl!.” She may have some “sweet” but she is mostly “sassy”. This “indoctrination” has been hard on both sides and if anyone who has been through an adoption (of an older child) who says it was easy, I would love to meet them. We will certainly get through it with a lot of tough lessons, lots of tears and lots of prayers but it’s definitely going to take time and a whole lot of tough love.

Gotta go through Bitter to get to Sweet

I couldn’t sleep last night as I kept thinking about the quote “you gotta go through the bitter to get to the sweet”. Not sure why it was bothering me but perhaps I was reflecting on my life and how that quote seems to hold true. We all awoke to another sunny, beautiful day in Orlando so as a last day before school adventure we set out to Gatorland. Now, this is one park that I can honestly say I had no interest in, what-so-ever. My boys who know most everything about every reptile, snake, fish and other Florida species, this was top of their list. We had a great time at all the reptile and gator shows. My son, Brent, was kind of disappointed that he wasn’t selected as a volunteer for the snake show but based on the people they chose, you clearly had to meet a certain age to participate. On the way out of the park we took one last peek at the baby gators all frolicking with each other. There were some turtles in the pen as well and not sure if they were placed in there for food or show. Gators favorite snack, based on what I learned at the gator show, was in fact, turtles (hence the shape and power of their jaws). So, here is this poor turtle, stuck on his back among his worst enemies struggling to get flipped over (see video that we shot).

Here was the first 18 minutes or so:

Fast forward to his final attempt:

We all gasped and pleaded that someone would come to his rescue but that never happened. Over the course of about 20 minutes of watching this turtle attempt over and over again to flip himself over… he did it!  I know this sounds crazy, but I couldn’t help but think of this turtle and all of the odds against him. Here, he was completely helpless, flipped over on his back, surrounded by his number one enemy yet he kept trying (with obvious breaks in between) to flip himself over, trying to get back to that “sweet” place. I think we were the only family who stuck around to see if he would succeed. Once he did my son Brent said, "Mom, that was the best part of my day”. And to be honest, mine too.

In life, we spend so much time worrying about our struggles or what we’re missing or what we WANT in our lives and many times just give up. Giving up is easy when life seems so daunting. I think about all the times I felt like that poor turtle…surrounded by people that didn’t approve of me or didn’t like me or didn’t like my ideas or thought I was jealous (meaning, their situation had to be WAY worse than mine) or didn’t give me a chance for whatever reason. I watched that turtle persevere with all odds against him …and yet he kept trying.

We have to keep trying. We have to keep that same spirit. I know it sounds silly but I think that spirit is not only survival but God whispering to us that there’s still a whole lot of life to live and amidst the worst of odds we have to keep going, against all the evils of this world that we face, day in and day out. I felt relieved because NOW I had a really good analogy that I could always remind my children when they get down and want to give up. I don’t claim to be a very “successful” person but I am very satisfied. I have accomplished and experienced more than anybody would ever know about me, have an amazing career, while being a wife and mother to five children. I think about those evil forces that surround us, me and my children, but know that nothing can break through the kind of love and life we have. I talk to my kids often about having a relationship with God and tell them it can be whatever they want it to be, but they have to have one. There’s no way of getting through this world alone, without knowing he’s there to guide us. On the way to church tonight, they asked again if they had to go to church school after. Of course my response was, yes…and someday you’ll have the same conversation with your children and you'll be glad I had this one with you. So, do you think what we saw today was an accident? Do you think that it was just a passing moment? No! God gives us these whispers or winks through nature or other lessons but we just have to be open to them. For children, this is one of the toughest lessons. As an adult, we experience them more often than not. But if we’re equipped to be strong and keep fighting, against all odds, we will prevail.  Keep all those mean, hungry gators away from us.  Know that HIS plans are WAY better than theirs. Yep, nuff said!

...and the fun continues into the new year

2012 really went out with a bang.  After hosting a wonderful Christmas celebration at home on the 29th with all of my siblings, their children and my parents (equaling 50+ people total...no joke) I had more leftovers and laundry than I ever I knew I could have existed. We used every towel, sheet, blanket, and roll of toilet paper in the house. It was an incredible time and you could tell by the 20+ black garbage bags at the end of my driveway the morning they left.  As all big families do, we spend a lot of time eating, drinking and telling each other how much we appreciate them...no seriously, we do.  We went around the crowded living room of my house after a big Christmas dinner sharing all that we were thankful for.  My response wasn't as deep as everyone expected.  I had said "I'm thankful that dinner was a hit and now over".  If I could take it back I would say that I was thankful for the time we spend together and that we have all made a very big effort to live close to each other, support each other and listen to each other.  Of all ten siblings and my parents, we all live within an hour or two or as close as 15 minutes away.  My one sister lives in South Carolina but I suspect she'll end up back in the great sunshine state eventually.  When big bad things happen in families, like they did with the loss of my brother and sister years ago, it really forces you to evaluate what's important and it's not something you can articulate too well.  You just want to be close physically and spiritually.  Most of us have gone great lengths to be together...like Ginger spending less than a year in Iowa, Michelle spending less than 2 years in North Carolina...and those stories are just a few examples.

So now we're on day 4 of leftovers and my kids are starting to whine. How many versions of turkey and ham can you really invent night after night?  Turkey sandwiches, ham sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey tetrazini, ham omlettes...you get the picture.  Tonight it will just be plain old ham OR turkey along with baked potatoes and leftover casserole...for the kids.  Scott and I will be dining at Outback.  Tomorrow night will be what my dear cousin calls "Fridge on Parade"...you see something you like, eat it up!  This is a picture of the main fridge in the kitchen.  The fridge in the garage is just as packed.  I yell at everyone who opens it to be careful of falling objects!

Today was also my first real day back at work.  Still somewhat quiet in the virtual working world that I live but had a couple hiccups I had to work out.  I managed to get a walk in this morning after two whole weeks of no activity whatsoever.  I feel like I had somewhat of a successful day. 

I even made an appointment with a therapist for my dear Ava for her ongoing eating disorder.  There is nothing more stressful or frustrating than a child that will not eat.  She had gotten a little better before the holidays but now her eating has taken a nose dive into just plain awful.  She has never finished a meal in under two hours.  She holds foods in her cheeks and refuses to swallow.  We've had her completely checked out by doctors and other than the previous infestation of parasites that are now gone, there's nothing physically wrong with her...just mentally.  I'm hearing all over the news "What are we going to do about the mental health of our children?".  I just want to scream each time as I yell at the TV!  Make counseling more accessible and more affordable to families!!!!  Educate them on the warning signs and be proactive to help these kids!!!  That would be a start.  Until you've gone down the path that we have, you would never understand the high cost of mental health care and insurance does not cover it!!!  So, we will do the right thing and get Ava the care she needs for as long as it takes.  It's the right thing to do.  We're not even gauranteed results in the end, but we'll still take the leap of faith that it will help to some degree.  The good news is that we know the main counselor of this practice and they are very good at what they do...so, we're in good hands.

Well, time to get ready for my "big night out" to Outback...woohoo!

What I'll Miss

Not sure when this kicked in, but my guess was turning 40-ish.  Suddenly I felt sort of old.  I felt like time was slipping away and I was missing all of it.  Since that pivotal day or time I feel like I look at things a lot differently.  I feel like I have a clock over my head and I'm trying to savor every last moment.    This Christmas I could not stop thinking of how this was the perfect age for all of my kids.  Lydia still has the thrill of dressing up her little sister and going shopping with her mom, Brent still runs around the yard with the dog or throws around a ball with his brothers, Trevor still believes in the tooth fairy (I can't forget a story about that later), Blake is still a mama's boy who holds my hand and needs me to hold him each night before he falls asleep, and Ava, well, she has so many "firsts", I don't know where to begin.  The point is, next year I will miss this year terribly.  I know one day I will wake up and it will be all in the past, just like the day I turned 10 and I knew that 20, and being an adult, was around the corner.  It's really hard to enjoy when you have all the usual daily distractions like dishes, laundry and cooking.  At least once a day, I try and stop with each one and just hug them and in some way, connect.  You always hear about those people who realize that their days are numbered and suddenly they're searching for the true meaning of life.  I know the true meaning of life but I just can't contain it and make it all stand still.  I look what surrounds me and know that's not the case with most people.  Most people are just figuring out ways to cope or out-do each other or keep distracted from what's important...time wasted.  True...God gives us whispers everyday to stay focused on what matters but we pretend not to hear it.  I was thinking about this year and thought how incredible it was and how grateful I am for everything.  Here's my top 10 and not in any particular order:

Maggie and Greg had baby #8
Bobby and Meaghan had baby baby #1
Ginger and Jim had baby #1
We had baby (toddler) #5
Michelle and Tim moved to Orlando
Work for me is awesome
Lydia is healthy and getting straight As
The boys are all very happy and thriving
Mom and Dad are very healthy in the late 70s
Scott is still by my side (even with the curve balls I throw from time to time)

Overall, life is good and I don't want it to change.  But it WILL change.  It will.  I keep telling my kids that we pray and go to church to be thankful and to prepare for times that are hard.  I try to teach them to always pray when they're afraid and to listen to that little voice, which is their guardian angel, directing them to the right place.  I know they feel the woes of life and I try to explain that it's all part of the plan for becoming stronger and more prepared for times ahead.  I think that's one of the hardest things as a parent...to see your kids struggle.  Right now, we're struggling with minor stuff like scraped knees and hurt feelings but how do you prepare them for the mack-daddy bad stuff.  The recent shootings in Sandy Hook shook them but it could never prepare them for the real thing if it happened close to home.  My first reaction was pulling everyone back into the cave and never letting them out of my sight again.  But, we let them go.  We pray and take a leap of faith that it won't happen to us, just like we pray that we're not hit with a terrible illness.   Every time I hear the James Taylor version of "Auld Lang Syne", I shutter.  I just think of all who I loved in the past, who have passed or moved on, and all that I love right now and think I need to hang on to them and hang on to them tight.  It's that simple.

I'm posting some pictures of my favorite moments from this holiday.  I know there are still so many wonderful moments ahead but don't want to let go of the ones that just happened...

P.S.  Tooth Fairy story...Trevor lost another tooth the night before Christmas Eve.  I was SO tired by the time [and thankful that] I remembered to play the part.  It wasn't until today that Ava walks out of my closet with his tooth in the sandwich baggie (which I had planned to save) and his story of how the Tooth Fairy left $20 instead of the usual buck or two.  I gasped and tried to tell him that she made a terrible mistake and he had to put the $20 back under the pillow and she would swing by later to work out the difference.  He wasn't too keen on that idea.  I must have been VERY tired to make such a mistake.  All day today I was searching for that twenty and couldn't understand where it had gone...

Ava's FAVORITE gift...a Rapunzel wig that she rarely takes off

Bobby's son, Reece...check out the onesie

Boys with balls...nuff said

Ava, moving her lips but trying to figure out what the heck everyone is singing...Blake to the right of her is the only kid really singing...funny!!!

Kids working on their signs for Santa and placing them where they want their gifts near the tree.

The only Santa picture where all 5 kids are together

Cookie making

The worst mess EVER from making 27 dozen cookies...took me 2 hours to clean up.

Our Christmas Letter.."Visions of Sugar Plums"

For the past couple weeks I've been talking with Ava about Christmas in the orphanage.  Though her details were a bit sketchy (okay, she's 4), I wrote this letter based on the story she told me...

Visions of Sugar Plums


The frigid air blew through the walls of the tiny orphanage in Siauliai Lithuania. It was Christmas Eve, but just another ordinary night for the sixty children that lived there. Every day they woke up with a plan, a plan to survive and to try and forget that they were abandoned. They were trained to follow the same routine each day and repeat it again the next. Even their meals were the same. The children, so caught up in this life, never knew what joy could be found outside these broken walls. Though every night as they were placed into their crib they wondered who they were and whether they were ever really loved at all, wondering whether they were a person at all. Where these children come from, their survival is dependent on their spirit. They never had the love and affection of a parent or the praise from another human being. They relied on their own willingness to get up each day and complete the same routine and to be proud of what they accomplished on their own. Once in a while, a family would arrive. None of the children would really know if that family came for them or another one in the group. The children would fight for their attention and yearn for a smile directed at them or by chance, a warm embrace.

This Christmas would be different for one little girl. Though she had no memory of ever living with a family, she knew deep down that this would be her last Christmas in the orphanage. You see that Christmas Eve an angel appeared to her in her dreams and told her that she was already loved and that her family was waiting for her, far, far away. The angel gave her a special gift that Christmas, a gift of hope and a chance for a better life. That night Santa filled the children’s shoes with candy. The children awoke with excitement, only to enjoy one small piece and then sent on to their morning routine. The snow piled high outside yet the children were not allowed to play outdoors during the winter months. Meanwhile, a family 3,000 miles away would be missing her that Christmas day. Her stocking would be hung by the fireplace near her sibling’s stockings, siblings she never met. They all felt the loss of not being together that day. Each night this little girl dreamt of something better though she didn’t know what “better” actually was. She just wanted to feel accepted and appreciated and to her, that’s what “family” meant. Life went on and a few weeks later, this little girl was told that she would be adopted into a family from the United States. The family would receive a letter that they would be approved to adopt a little (and they weren’t joking) four year old girl with special needs. Soon after, the little girl would receive a book in the mail. The caregiver gave the child the book and told her this is your new family. Each page was filled with hope and love. Each page sent a message that this family was waiting and promised to love her, no matter what. The little girl turned the pages, every day and every night, until the binding broke away and had to be held together in place with tape. Days would pass and the little girl wondered if her dream of a family would ever come true. Winter turned to Spring, and Spring turned to Summer. Finally, one warm day in July, the family would make the journey to Siauliai Lithuania. Through war torn Poland and the gorgeous Lithuanian countryside they drove and drove and drove until they arrived in the small town. They wasted no time and drove straight to the orphanage. The directress would lead the family through the narrow stairway, down the hall to where the children were napping. As they were lead to this little girl’s crib, she was sound asleep, unaware of the life and journey ahead. When she awoke, her first words were “Mama!!” and jumped into my arms. I held her in disbelief. All of the years of waiting, the miscarriages, the paperwork, the tears and worry had finally come to an end and we would finally be together as a family. Our family would be complete. It’s that moment when both souls are saved and the love is so much bigger than any of us. God’s hand was and will always be present. Though the journey has been long and not easy, it’s HIS plan. The days are finally getting easier for us. Once eradicating the large number of parasites in her abdomen and managing her unpredictable outbursts, she turned a corner. A day never goes by that this little girl stops to show gratitude for her family. She knows where she came from and knows that life back in Lithuania was a hard one. Our family is forever changed from this experience and to be honest, not really sure where and when it all started. All we know is that this was always HIS plan. It was always the place that this little girl was destined for. Deep in her heart she knew we would come for her. She had the courage to tell her own mother goodbye, who made a surprise visit the day before we arrived, and that she was leaving Lithuania to live with a real family. This little girl actually articulated to her mother that she was happy and that she would be okay.

This Christmas I am reminded of these little angels that sleep in the Siauliai Baby House, wondering and dreaming for the family they have yet to meet and most likely will never meet. Their little souls are hurting and each day is a struggle. Nutrition and love are severely lacking. Since Ava has arrived home in August she has gained two pounds and is now at a solid 25 pounds…still quite small for her age, but she’s off to a good start. I think our single most precious moment from living in Siauliai was the Lithuanian people and their appreciation for living life simply. They don’t fill their garages and living rooms with unnecessary technical gadgets and clutter to fill their souls, they fill their lives with experiences and people that matter. I’m constantly reminded of this each day as my daughter awakes with a huge smile on her face and a huge hunger to start a new day. A day that’s filled with hope, people that love her and experiences she might never have had. This Christmas, please say a special prayer for the 7,000 orphans in Lithuania and the millions that live throughout the world. Pray that they find loving homes and if not, live with the peace of knowing they are loved by God.

God Bless, The Bjornson Family

Sugar

So tonight was kid's chorus at their preschool.  Though they only sing one little song it's a long night of others singing and a full mass...at 8:00 on a school night.  Tonight, the kids were particularly not in the mood.  Top it off with hot chocolate and cookies afterwards and missing their normal bedtime and you have a bunch of cranky kids.  To top off the night, even more, Scott HAD to go play basketball.  It was like a full on cry-fest when we got home.  Kids crying, crawling into their beds with their heads spinning from the sugar and exhaustion.  The little child in my head was screaming at me to call her best friend and run to Outback for last call...that's a desperate cry here in the Suburbs.  I managed to get everyone to bed and indulge for some time on Facebook and trying to figure out how to make this blog more interesting.  I barely get 20 hits a day but that's really not the point.  It's a chance for me to journal this exciting life that I live and keep track of all those wonderful moments with my kids and especially with my unpredictable orphan, Ava.

To my shock tonight I read that Russia will be banning all American family adoptions.  This just breaks my heart.  Almost 1,000 children are adopted into this country from Russia each year.  I think of all those families waiting and have been waiting for years.  All of those children who will now have to wait longer. I just wonder how this will affect Lithuanian adoptions.  These poor children become part of a negotiating tactic with governments which is entirely horrific.  The kids are the ones that suffer.  I think about the little Russian girl in Ava's class and how happy she is today because of her new family. I just can't imagine all of those broken dreams for the families and the children who are waiting.  I'm just so glad our adoption is behind us, though I constantly think of the children who still wait.

Still Shaken

Most people have probably read this article from a father of a Columbine victim who spoke to congress recently.  The gist of the article was that the NRA was not to be blamed for the deaths of children at the high school but for the mere fact that it was an act of evil.  Here's the article:

http://www.christianforumsite.com/threads/a-columbine-victims-father-speaks.12357/

I'm not an advocate for guns...at all...but I think this subject is more about a person's motivations and happiness versus their access to guns.  I think this kid would have found the guns regardless if his Mom had them or not.  In this article, the father suggests that all people are made up of 3 critical parts...body, mind and spirit.  If any part of that equation is lacking, let's just say the spirit, the chances of it being replaced with evil is far greater.  Our schools, our country is being stripped of God wherever you go.  This secular movement, to me, is extremely scary.  Even for some of my friends who don't consider themselves religious know that you can still find a space for God in your lives and God still makes life better for everyone regardless of what you believe.  Removing it from people's lives means you're creating a void.  A void only to be filled with bad stuff.  I'm trying not to go too deep but I believe that we've become a much more entitled society for this very reason.  No one has a sense of remorse or guilt for the evil acts that they do.  Parents are afraid of their children as in this recent case in Sandy Hook.  The mother knew of her son's issues.  I believe she knew what he was capable of doing.  Kids like that are suffering and probably made threats to her in the privacy of their home.  She probably ignored all of the signs and warnings thinking he could never do such a horrific act.  As a parent, all of these sufferings should never be ignored or overlooked.  Get your child the help that they need, for their own sake.  Though I'm trying really hard not to read about all of these wonderful children who lost their life that day and how bad their families are suffering, as it brings me to tears everytime, I still can't shake how someone could be so ill yet so ignored.  I know this single mother was doing the very best she could to raise her sons the right way but all of the warning signs were there.  Being a single parent is difficult.  Usually the child is suffering from the split and then you compile all of their other issues, in this case, mental illness.  You try so hard not to rock their world and tip toe around them, doing your best to keep their issues under control.  From what I read, to her friends, the Mom was pretty normal and happy.  She had enough money to never have to work again.  Her older son was already successful, following in her ex-husband's footsteps.  To everyone that knew her, she was a loving, giving person.  Yet she had this struggle with her youngest son.  Why couldn't she seek help that he so desperately needed?  As the days go on and reveal the details of this horrific event, we'll probably see that she was afraid.  She was probably scared of losing her son or embarassed to admit to his issues.  I honestly don't know what the answer is.  I do know that I was thinking of my kids non-stop today as I let the bus take them away from me for 8 hours.  I so wish I could homeschool them and keep them close to the nest.  I wish that I never had to have these hard talks with them as to how to protect yourself in case you fell victim to such a horrific act.  I feel awful about sending them off to school again tomorrow knowing there's no gaurantee they will come home again.  The fact is, no one knows truly how to protect these kids.  It doesn't matter that their in public or private school, metal detectors or not, fences or no fences...they're all at risk.  We're all at risk everyday.  We need to do our part and start praying again, however you like to do that.  Start realizing that other people in this world matter, not just YOU.  If we reached out beyond ourselves I think we as a country would be more fulfilled and there would be less and less of these nightmares.  Let God in, give him a chance and see what happens!!

Can't sleep...what happened to our world?

I'm a mess...I feel let down and very scared for my children's safety.  I think a lot of people are trying to process what happened today.  20 children died and 7 adults...one would have been too many.  I don't know if we'll ever know what motivated this crazy person to inflict so much pain on so many families.  I do know that our world is really messed up right now.  Though I really didn't want to know anything about this crazy gunman, one thing stands out, his Mom bought him the guns.  His Mom gave in to his insanity.  We as parents, need to be parents.  My parents were parents, though not perfect, we knew who ruled the roost.  Today, parents are friends with their kids and do not want to do anything to disrupt or upset them.  They give their kids everything and hope that they turn out okay.  Well, guess what?  Kids need discipline.  They crave direction and are not able to handle grown up situations.  I see it so many times, a family goes through divorce or other big life issues and the popularity contest kicks in.  Parents buy their kids everything, let them do anything in hopes that they like them in return.  These kids end up miserable.  I'm not a trained professional and I'm only sharing what I've experienced.  I think a lot of parents are afraid of their kids.  Why are they so afraid of saying "no" to them and instead, buy them anything they ask for?  There's also this element of God not being present in the home.  Kids have no sense of guilt or responsibility for their actions.  Am I the only one who noticed that we are becoming a much more secular country?  These kids grow up to believe that are entitled to everything and anything.  I grew up with the belief that if you hurt someone or did something wrong you needed to pray for penance, forgiveness.  There is no remorse anymore.  As we try to process what happened today, I hope we all look at our children differently.  This could have been our child who was slain or our child who was the killer.  What could we do to change what had happened? Talk...Talk...Talk to your kids about everything.  Make them talk to you.   We've all been there.  I was one of 12 so it was hard getting 2 minutes with either of my parents but I would talk to my sisters or brothers to understand what had happened.  As I waited for my kids to get off the bus today, it felt so much different than yesterday.  My first grader came home with a big bag of art projects that he couldn't wait to share with me.  STOP what you're doing and listen to them!  When you don't, they feel it.  I'm guilty of that many days when I'm too caught up in the work stuff but their feelings are much bigger than ours.  All of what they are experiencing are shaping them for later on.  Yikes!  When you think of it that way, it really makes you stop and think.

From now on, I'm always going to stop and listen to my kids better.  I'm going to be keenly aware of their feelings, good or bad.  I'm going to cheer for their accomplishments but set them straight when I have to.  I wish, so badly, I could keep them tucked under my wing and protect them from all these evils.  I have to do everything I know to prepare them for this crazy world, through example and God.  They get the same lecture every Sunday as to WHY they need to go to church or church school.  That's a subject I can write for days about but will close by saying, stay close to your kids.  Tell them as much as possible that you love them and that they are loved no matter what.  Hold them in your arms and remind them how special they are.  No one could do what this crazy gunman did today if they truly knew they were loved.

My Heart Aches Today

I was so horrified to hear the news today of the children and adults murdered in an elementary school in Connecticut.  I can't even imagine the nightmare that town and those families are experiencing right now.  Just this morning, Mom's were dressing their kids, packing their lunches and kissing them goodbye only to find out they would never return home.  This sort of news is more commonplace every single day.  I question whether my children are truly safe.  I find myself having conversations with them, explaining what to do if something like this happened at their school.  What possesses such hatred from people?  What could be so bad in their lives that they have to ruin the lives of so many?  I think so many people became very somber today in light of the news this morning.  All of the sudden, whatever you were doing didn't really matter.  All of the joy that was meant for today suddenly went away as I think about those children and families who are hurting so bad right now.  I'm so worried for my children and their safety.  I wish there was a real way to protect these kids.  Our school could be so much safer.  It seems like anyone can easily walk in from off the street and walk in to any classroom.  It's almost too open for my liking.  Homeschooling isn't an option as my husband would NEVER agree to something like that.  Then again, there are crazy people shooting in movie theatres and shopping malls too.  Parents, keep your children close.  I know first hand how difficult it can be as a parent but deep down our children are everything to us.  We need to do everything in our power to protect them and to pray for their safety everyday.  These reminders are so unfortunate and I hope we can all stop and realize what's most important.
Come Gracious Spirit, Heavenly Dove,

With light and comfort from above.

Be Thou our Guardian, Thou our Guide,

Stay close by every child's side.



 

A Constant Critic

Not a day goes by or a moment for that matter that Ava has to critique how I look.  Everything from my hair, my make-up (or lack of it) and my clothes.  I'll get dressed to go to a meeting and Ava will go "Oh Mom, so graža!!" (so pretty!).  My favorite is when I wake up in the morning and Ava says "Oh Mom, ne graza!!" (not pretty).  This seriously goes on all day.  I tell her over and over again that "if you're pretty inside, then you're pretty outside and that's all that matters".  She is also obsessed with my closet and my bathroom where all my jewelry and makeup reside.  She is always into something.  If she's not in my room, bathroom or closet, she's walking around brushing her hair constantly.  I'm seriously thinking of putting a lock on the outside of my door.  I'm still so confused why all of this matters to her.  It wasn't like she was training for pageants in Lithuania! Tomorrow night we're going to a dinner with Santa and she's already talking about how I should do her hair.  I'm going to have my hands full when she's a teenager as if my hands aren't full right now.  When my oldest daughter was little, she could care less about all that girly stuff.  She was quite the opposite and would refuse to wear bows or dresses.  She's still pretty much a tomboy but will wear a little makeup now and then.  

Finishing up the Christmas cards.  I promise to post the card and letter once I get everything in the mail.  I wish I could send ALL of my friends a card but I'm keeping cards pretty light this year.  The Holiday is kicking into high gear which means running around town to get last minute gifts, constant trips to the grocery store preparing another something to bring to a party, baking and cleaning and dealing with cranky kids who are staying up way too late from all the activities and all the sweet treats.  This is the time of year I would love to have a live-in housekeeper, chef, babysitter and gift wrapper.  I have to say, now that the kids can actually remember a lot of the fun things we do each year, the holidays are a lot more fun.